IPS 3531 
.A6183 



6 It d I £ ^ j Issued quarterly, 



( Subscription $1.00, 
OCTOBER, 1900. 



"^' -13 1900 

No. 61. 




e 






Entered at the Chicago Postoffice as second class mail matter. 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Qlven. 



COMEDIES, MELODRAMAS, Etc. 

All that Glitters is not Gold, 2 

acts, 2 hrs 6 3 

Aunt Dinah's Pledge, temper- 
ance, 2 acts, 1 hr 6 3 

Beggar Venus, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 

min (25c) 6 4 

Blow for Blow, 4 acts, 2 hrs ... 5 4 
Bonnybell, operetta, 1 h. (25c) . 2 5 

Caste, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 5 3 

Chimney Corner, 2 acts, 1 hr. 

30 min 5 2 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 

Diplomates, 4 acts, 3 hrs. (25c) 5 5 
Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

30min (25c) 8 4 

Early Vows, 2 acts, 1 hr. .(25c) 4 2 

East Lynne, 5 acts, 2 hrs 8 7 

Elma, The Fairy Child. 1 hr. 

45 min., operetta. ..(25c) 9 15 
Enchanted Wood (The) , 1 hr. 

45 min., operetta (35c) 5 6 

Eulalla. 1 h. 30 min (25c) 3 6 

From Sumter to Appomattox, 

4 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min.. (25c) 6 2 
Fruits of the Wine Cup, tem- 
perance, 3 acts, 1 hr 6 4 

Handy Andy, Irish, 2 acts, 1 

hr. 30 min 8 3 

Home, 3 acts, 2 hrs 4 3 

Jedediah Judkius, J.P., 4 acts, 

2 hr. 30 min (25c) 7 5 

Lady of Lyons, 5 acts, 2 hrs, 30 

min 8 4 

London Assurance, 5 acts, 2 

hrs. 30 min 9 3 

Lost in London, 3 acts, 1 hr. 45 

min 6 3 

Louva the Pauper, 5 acts, 1 hr. 

45 min 9 4 

Michael Erie, 2 acts.l hr. 30 m. 8 3 
Mitsu-Yu-Nissi, Japanese Wed- 
ding, 1 hr. 15 min 6 6 

Money, 5 acts, 3 hrs 9 3 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 

Not such a Fool as he Looks, 3 

acts, 2 hrs 5 3 

Odds with the Enemy, 5 acts, 2 

hrs 7 4 

Only Daughter (An), 3 acts, 1 

hr. 15 min 5 2 

On the Brink, temperance, 2 

acts, 2 hrs 12 3 

Our Country, 3 acts, 1 hr 10 3 

Ours, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 6 3 

Out in the Streets, temperance, 

1 hr. 15 min 6 4 

Vet of Parsons' Ranch, 5 acts 

2 hrs 9 3 

Pocahontas,musical burlesque, 

2 acts, 1 hr.... 10 2 

Rivals, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 45 min. . 8 4 
School Ma'am (The), 4 acts, 1 

hr. 45 min 6 5 



M. F.- 

SeaDrift, 4acts, 2 hrs..., 6 2 

Seth Greenback, 4 acts, 1 hr. 

15 min 7 3 

Shadow Castle, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 30 

min (25c) 5 4 

Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 2 

hrs. 20 min 8 3 

Solon Shingle, 1 hr, 30 min, ... 72 
Sparkling Cup, temperance, 5 

acts, 2 hrs 12 4 

Ten Nights in a Barroom, tem- 
perance, 5 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 

Ticket of Leave Man, 4 acts, 2 

hrs. 45 min 8 3 

Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2 

hrs. 30 min (25c) 7 4 

Toodles, 2 acts, 1 hr. 15 min.. 6 2 

Uncle Josh, 4 actp, 2^ h. (25c) 8 3 
Under the Laureia, 5 acts, 1 hr. 

45 min 5 4 

Under the Spell, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

30 min (25c) 7 3 

Wedding Trip (The), 2 acts, 1 

hr 3 2 

Won at Last, 3 acts, 1 hr. 45 

min 7 3 

Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs o 3 

FARCES AND SKETCHES. 

Assessor, sketch, 10 min 3 2 

Babes in Wood, burlesque, 25 

min 4 3 

BadJob,30min 3 2 

Bardell vs. Pickwick, 25 min.. 6 2 

Beautiful Forever, 30 min 2 2 

Blind Margaret, musical, 30 m. 3 3 

Borrowing Trouble, 25 min 3 5 

Breezy Call, 25 min 2 1 

Bumble's Courtship, sketch, 

18mm 1 1 

Cabman No, 93, 40 min 2 2 

Christmas Ship, musical, 20 m. 4 3 

Circumlocution Office, 20 min. 6 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 

min 3 

Cut off with a Shilling, 25 min. 2 

Deception, 30 min 3 

Desperate Situation, 25 min. . . 2 

Dutchman in Ireland, 20 min. 3 

Fair Encounter, sketch, 20 m. C 

Fami ly Strike, 2 O^ftlh 3 

Free-Knowledge-lst, 2 acts, 25 

mm 3 

Friendly Move, sketch, 20 m.. 4 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 

Hard Cider, temperance, 15 m. 4 

Homoeopathy, Irish, 30 min.. .. 5 

Id on Parle Francais, 40 m . .. 4 

I'll Stay Awhile, 20 min 4 

I'm not Mesilf at All, Irish, 25 

min 3 

Initiating a Granger, 25 min, . . 8 

In the Dark, 25 min 4 



\ 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher. *<^ Randolph St., Chicago. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS 



A FARCE COMEDY 



BY 



W. C. PARKER 



jl il5J?*u y Of Contf pe*» 

\'\,l C0Pt€S RECElVtO 

OCT 13 1900 
CopyngfU wtry 

S£CCN[) COPY. 

OtiHvw«i to 

0:-(&W DIVISION. 

NOV 23 190o 



WITH ALL THE STAGE BUSINESS FROM THE 
AUTHOR'S PROMPT BOOK 



CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher 

163 Randolph St. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

FOR LAUGHING PURPOSES ONLY. 
CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

JosiAH Brown, a deacon of our church. f'S3SH 
Deacon Whitbeck, of the same church. y< ^ o3T~ 
Sheriff O'Brien, one of the boys. - mG] o*** IS 
Lynx, the detective, always on deck. IQOO 

Johnny Brown, one of the twins. - 

Rastus, out of a job. 

Mrs. Josephine Brown, looking out for No. i. 
Josephine Brown Clifford, Josiah's daughter. 
Becky Green, an energetic member of our church. 
Fanny Brown, another one of the twins. 
N. B,— The twins are grown up. 

Time of playing, two hours. 
BILL OF PLAY. 

Act I. — First appearance of the Twins at Deacon 
Brown's. They make things hot. The Parson's present. 
Sheriff in the wrong house. Lynx, the detective, who 
never detects. A bushel of fun and mystery. Making up 
a case. ''A plot against her life." "It'll make me the 
most famous detective of modern times." The Deacon on 
his muscle. 

Act II. — ''They have her body, the villains." The 
mysterious box. The suspicious wife and the deserted 
daughter meet. "Good land! we hain't told the folks 
where the picnic was to be." The "spiked" lemonade and 
a tipsy deacon. "They've been standin' in the sun." 
Lynx in hi,s great act of stealing the bather's clothes for 
purposes (!>f identification. Specialties. 

Act III'.; "Oh, what a difference in the morning." 
Rastus, on guard for " s'picious characters;" throws Josiah 
out. Enter Lynx. "Hush! notaword." "I ain't saying 
nuffin'." "You must come with me." Arrest of Rastus. 
Lynx the irrepressible runsjdown Sheriff O'Brien. "Where 
is the body?" Climax. „ . 

Copyright, 1900, by T. S. Denison. 
2 



COSTUMES. 

JosiAH — Old trousers, tucked in well worn boots. Sack 
coat. Cotton handkerchief around neck, slouch hat. Bald 
wig and gray whiskers. 

Deacon — Tight trousers. Large shoes. Red flannel 
shirt with white cuffs attached. Dickey and white collar. 
Tight fitting Prince Albert coat, old silk hat. 

Sheriff — Light trousers. Shabby shoes. Short coat, 
buttoned up tight. Low comedy wig, part bald. Very red 
face. Large rings around eyes. Very low crown, light 
Derby hat, too small for him. 

Johnny — Knickerbockers, black stockings, low shoes, 
light blouse, sailor cap. Typical small boy. 

Rastus — Typical makeup of blackface low comedian. 

Mrs. Brown — Flashy dress, stylish hat, up-to-date ap- 
pearance. 

Josephine — Neat traveling dress, and hat to match. 

Becky — Old-fashioned gown and bonnet, old-maid wig 
with long curls, old umbrella and work-bag, a plain bald 
wig under the old-maid wig. 

Fanny — Knee dress, black stockings, low shoes, white 
apron, hair frizzed, a suitable child's hat. Typical small 
girl. 

PROPERTIES. 

Act I. — Goggles, watch and letter for Josiah; work-bag 
for Becky; empty bottle; burnt cork in Becky's bag; piece 
of rope for Fanny; small brush for Fanny; powder rag for 
Becky; bed blanket for Sheriff; pretty flowers for John 
and Fanny; note book and pencil for Lynx. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

E means right of the stage; C center; R C right center; 
L left; E D right door; L D left door, etc.; i E first en- 
trance; U E upper entrance, etc. ; D F door in flat or scene 
running across the back of the stage; i G first groove, etc. 
The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 

3 



Act 1 and III 



Chair 



Interior Backing 




Door 



Sofa 



O 

Table 



Window 



Chair 




Act II 

Landscape Backing 



.^ 



^ 



^« 



\ 



Note. — Amateurs are free to produce this play, but the Publisher 
reserves the sole professional stage right. 



(4) 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 



ACT I. 



Scene. Sitting-room in home of Josiah Brown. Boxed in 
J. Door in flat, R. C, Doors R. 2., L. 2., Table, C, 
Chairs, R. and L. Sofa, back, C. General furnishings of an 
ordinary sitting-room. 

Enter Josiah, door L. 

Josiah. I made an engagement fer Deacon Whitbeck 
and Becky Green ter assemble here at ten o'clock ter ar- 
range fer the Sunday-School picnic and a donation to ther 
parson's wife. {Looks at watch.') It's nigh onto half past 
now. {Sees letter on table.) Hello! here's a letter. Maybe 
from Becky. Like as not she's sick. {Takes letter, opens 
it, puts on goggles.) I'll be goshed-hanged ef I remember 
any sech writin' as that. But it's addressed to me, all 
right. {Reads.) ''Josiah Brown." That's me ter a dot. 
{Reads.) ''Dear Sir: Your evident neglect has assumed 
sech a brutal aspect that I can forbear no longer. I shall 
send you the children {tvipes perspiration from forehead), 
as I can no longer support them {staggered) myself. By 
the time this reaches you, they will be left at your door by 
one whom I can trust. {Staggered at the accusation.) See 
that you care for them. Do not attempt to seek me, for I 
shall leave this detestable spot forever. May God forgive 
you, I cannot. Farewell forever, from the one who loved 
you so well — Josephine Brown." {Sighs.) Well! That 
is a hummer. Tired of supportin' her children an' goin 
ter send 'em to me. {Knock heard.) Come in — come in. 

5 



6 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Enter Deacon, door R. C. 

Deacon. Good mornin' Josiah. Sorry ter be late, but 
I had ter — {notices Josiah's strange manner.^ Why, what's 
the matter, Josiah? Aint lost nothin', have ye? 

JosiAH. No, Deacon, it's worse'n that. I'm going ter 
git somethin'. {Knock heard.) Come in. 

Enter Becky Green, door R. C. 

Becky. Mornin', Josiah. {Very low boiv.') Mornin', 
Deacon. {Comedy bow.) I hope I sees you both well. 
{Notices Josiah.) Why, Josiah, what's the matter — be you 
sick? {Puts work-bag on table.) 

JosfAH. No, but I'm a goin' ter be. 'Tain't right ter 
intrude my troubles on others, but I felt's though I had a 
right to confide in sech old friends as you be. So here 
goes. {Hands letter to Becky.) Read that. {All get to- 
gether. Becky and Deacon very curious. ) 

Becky. {Reads.) ''Josiah Brown, Dear Sir: Your 
evident neglect has assumed sech a brutal aspect that I can 
forbear no longer. " (TI^Josiah.) Why, Josiah, who've you 
been neglectin' ? 

Deacon. {Anticipating scandal.) A-ha! {Aside.) I 
always did suspect that Josiah had a skeleton in the family 
somewhere. 

Becky. {Reads.) ''I shall send you the children." 
{Draws a long breath.) Gracious me! 

Deacon. {Aside.) Children, eh? I thought so. 

Becky. {Reads.) "As I can no longer support them 
myself." {To Josiah.) Why, Josiah, what you been a 
doin'? Anything on the sly? 

Josiah. Read on Becky, read on. 

Deacon. I'm afraid she's already read too much, Josiah 
Brown. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. ' 7 

JosiAH. {Surpiised.) Why, Deacon, what do you mean? 

Deacon. Ain't it enough to know that a man we've all 
trusted — a deacon of our church — 

JosiAH. {Slarting for DEACO'i^ — angry.') Deacon Whit- 
beck, how dare you? 

Becky. {^Separating Josiah and Deacon.) Stop right 
whar you are. Wait till I finish the letter. {Reads.) "By 
the time this reaches 3'ou, they will be left at your door by 
one whom I can trust. Do not attempt to seek me, for I 
shall leave this detestable spot forever.- May God forgive 
you, I cannot. Farewell forever, from the one who loved 
you so well." {To Josiah.) What's this? {Reads.) 
''Josephine BrOwn." 

JosiAH. {Groans.) 

Deacon. {Gives one long whistle.) 

Becky. Wh}^ Josiah, that's your darter. 

JosiAH. That's what comes hard, Becky. 

Deacon. Why, I thought she w^as married so happily. 

JosiAH. Just what I thought. But what puzzles me is 
how she knowed where to send that letter. You know I 
ain't writ to Josie since I moved. 

Becky. Josiah, don't you see, she's got your address 
out'n the new directory. Her husband has run away from 
her, an' she's been makin' her own livin'. 

JosiAH. Then why didn't she come home ter her dad, 
an' bring the twins, instead of havin' a stranger leave 'em 
on the doorstep, like a peck o' apples from the grocer's. 

Becky. It's her pride, Josiah^ Pride — poor gal. 

JosiAH. Poor gal? She'd better never darken my door 
again. I can fergive- most anythin', but to run away from 
them pretty little twins is unwomanly. It's — it's — ef I must 
say it — it's cussed. 

Becky. I'm sorry fer them twins. I remember what 



8 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

nice, quiet little chicks they was. Why, do you remember 
when the parson baptized 'em, he spoke of 'em as bein' 
absolutely heavenly, an' everybody has spoke of 'em ever 
since as them Dreadful Twins, just to be contrary. 

JosiAH. Yer right thar, Becky, they be Dreadful Twins, 
an' I'll care for 'em an' bring 'em up the best I know how. 
{Sidling 7ip to Becky.) Now, ef you'd only be Mrs. Brown, 
how nice we could bring 'em up. 

Deacon. {Other side ^/ Becky.) Ef Miss Green was 
my wife, I wouldn't mind makin* a home fer them twins 
myself. 

Becky. {Shy, pushing them away.) Oh, you two boys! 
Always talkin' love an' sech nonsense to me. Why, ef you 
had your way, the first thing I know, I'd turn into a regular 
Mormon. ( Terrific noise heard outside. ) 

Johnny. {Outside.) Let go my hair, or I'll slap your 
face. 

Fanny. {Outside.) Shut your mouth, or I'll kick your 
shins. {Louder jioise heard.) 

JosiAH. What's that? 

Becky. It can't be! 

Deacon. It's evidently them Dreadful Twins. {The 
door R. C. bursts open ^;/^ Johnny d;;/^ Fanny appear fighting. 
Each trying to enter first. They get dead locked in the door. 
They fight, scream, kick, etc.) 

Becky. Land sakes alive! What awful brats| 

JosiAH. Stop it! stop it! stop it! {Goes to twins. Sep- 
arates them.) Why don't you mind when yer spoken to? 
{Shakes them.) Now, who are you, and what do you want? 

John and Fan. {Together.') We're the twins. 

Becky, JosiAH AND Deacon., {Together.) The twins! 

Becky. Well, I never! 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. Q 

JosiAH. {^Holding the twins out at arm's lefigth.) Gewhil- 
ikens! How they have changed. (John and Fan. how/ 
togethe?'.^ Now what's the matter? 

John. {Howls.') I want my pa! 

Fan. i^HowIs.) I want my pa! 

Becky. Poor children. They're crying for their daddy. 

Fan. {Howls louder.) I want my pa! 

John. {Louder.) I want my pa! 

Fan. {Stopping suddenly. Points to Deacon.) Oh, get 
on to the gu}'. 

John. {Same. Points /t? Josiah.) Oh, look at the whisk- 
ers! {Imitates wind ivhistling. ) 

Fan. {Points to Becky.) Oh, what a funny old maid. 

John. How'd you like to kiss her? (John c?//^ Fan ^?V>^.) 

Deacon. And them are the Dreadful Twins. 

Becky. Gracious, Josiah, I'm afeared you're a goin' ter 
have your hands full. 

Josiah. I'm afeared so, Becky, I'm afeared so. 

Fan. {Points to Deacon.) He looks like a squash. 

John. {Points to Deacon.) No he don't, he looks like 
a lobster. 

Deacon. Children, you should remember to speak re- 
spectfully to your elders. 

John. Aw forget it. 

Deacon. I can stand it no longer, Josiah. I'll go home. 
It's too much for my dignity. {Looks severely at the Twins 
and exit door., R. C. ) 

John and Fan. {Together walking doivn R. imitating 
Deacon.) Oh, it's too much for his dignity. {Comedy.) 

Josiah. Stop! stop, I say {to Fanny). Now, you sit 
thar. {Places her i?i chair. To John.) And you sit thar. 
{Places John in chair with the back to Fanny's chair.) I'll 



lO THOSE DREADFUL*T\VINS. 

separate you an' see if that'll keep you quiet a minute, while 
I think what's goin' to be done with you. 

Becky. Why, the deacon's gone an' we hain't said a 
word about the Sunday-School picnic and the donation fer 
the parson's wife. 

JosiAH. So we hain't. Well, if you'll attend to these 
children a few minutes, I'll go an' fetch him back. (Fanny 
pulls John's hair. He yells. She jiDnps up and slaps him.') 
Stop it! stop it, or I'll knock yer heads together. {Sepa- 
rates them and throws tJiem back into their seats. ) 

Becky. Gracious, what a racket! 

JosiAH. {To Becky.) What do you think is the best 
present we can git the parson's wife? 

Becky. Why, a statu {statue) by all means. A statu 
of Minervy ef you can git one. 

JosiAH. That's jest what I think; an' ef the deacon '11 
only agree, we'll git the statu o' Minervy. Jest think what 
a surprise it'll be to the parson's wife. 

Becky. I'll bet she'll weep fer joy. {During the above 
the tivins have been tickling and hitting each other y knocking 
heads together, etc., and working up to another fight.) 

JosiAH. {Running at them.) Stop it. Can't you keep 
quiet a minute? 

John. It's her fault. 

Fan. Tain't either. It's all his fault. 

John. Tain't either. 

Fan. 'Tis too. 

Both. Ya, ya, ya, ya! 

Josiah. Stop! I tell you. Now you children must keep 
quiet and mind you don't worry Miss Green, who is kind 
enough to stay with 3^ou. 

Both. Ya, ya, ya, ya! 

Josiah. Did ye hear what 1 told ye? {Shakes them.) 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. I 1 

Now keep quiet or I'll shake the hide off'n 5^e. {Bangs 
them doivn. ) 

Becky. Don't forgit that the present must be kept a 
secret, so's to surprise the parson's wife. 

JosiAH. No, Becky. Mum's the word. (7'<? Twins.) 
Now, mind what I tell ye! You keep quiet! {^Exit door 
R. C) 

Fan. ( Watches Josiah exit.^ Miss Green! 

John. Oh, she don't look green. 

Fan. Oh, no, she ain't a bit green. 

John. Greeny green. 

Fan. Greeny — greeny — greeny — green. 

Both. {Yell together.) Greeny — greeny — greeny — green. 
{Ad III?.) 

Becky. {Holding her ears.) Children! children! Don't 
you .know it's wrong to make so much noise? Now ain't 
you sorry? 

Both Twins. {Together — fake crying.') Boo — hoo — 
hoo — Oh, yes, we're sorry. 

Fan. {Slapping John.) Shut up! What's the use of 
lying? 

John. Boo — hoo — hoo. You lied first. 

Fan. I didn't. 

John. You did. 

Becky. Children, children! Can't you keep quiet a 
minute? Now, my dears, I'm goin' to read the paper. 
Behave yourselves and I'll tell you all about the news. 

Both Twins. {Together.) What do we care about the 
news? 

Fan. {Takes 'BY.CYiY's>7t>or k- bag from table. Hastily mixes 
tip the contents. Comedy of displaying some of the contents.) 
Oh, the old maid uses powder. 

John. {At table.) Here's some ink. 



1 2 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Fan. Let's put the ink in the face powder. 

John. (^Tur?is the ink in the powder box and 7'eturns bottle 
to table.') 

Fan. (yPiits bag back on table, goes up stage, picks up piece 
of rope. Goes to Becky, looks over her shoulder.) Oh, see 
the picture. What is it all about? {Puts the rope around 
Becky's waist and ties it behind the chair,) 

Becky. Don't you know it's ill-mannered to look over 
an}' one's shoulder? 

Fan. 'Tain't either. 

Becky. Don't you contradict me. 
. Fan. I will all I want to. {Runs to window — looks out.) 
Oh, see the drunken man. Come on, Johnny, we'll have 
some fun. (John rufis up stage.) 

Becky. Come back here, this instant. 

Fan. Why don't you come and get us? 

Becky. Come here,' I say. 
, The Twins. (^Together.) Ya, ya, ya, ya! {Twirl their 
fingers at Becky and exeunt door, R. C.) 

Becky. The little rascals. I'll have to punish them. 
(Starts to follow the Twins. Is fastened to chair. Comedy 
of tryitig to get up, whirling around, etc. Filially discovers the 
cause, and releases herself.) Gracious, my face is just burn- 
ing up with all this excitement. I'll have to use some pow- 
der. ( Takes work-bag and applies the powder {burnt cork) ; 
comedy of applying it, etc. Puts bag on table. ^Jie Twins 
yelling outside.) 

Becky. I wonder what they're up to now. If I follow 
them*they'll run away from me. I'll have to go around the 
back way an' drive 'em in just like sheep. {Exit door, L.) 

Fan. {Puts her head in door, R. C, looks around, calls 
off.) All right. {Motions to John to e?iter.) 

Enter Sheriff, intoxicated, led ^_y John- ««^ Fan. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. I3 

Sheriff. Hie — want — go home. 

John. That's what we're doing. Taking you home. 

Sheriff. Want — go home. 

Fan. What are you talkin' about. You're home now. 

Sheriff. Whoop. {Nearly falls.^ 

Fan. Steady there — now, steady. {The Twins dump the 
Sheriff into a chair down R.) 

Sheriff. {Snoring, going to sleep, muttering.) Want to 
go home. 

John. Now you've got him, what are you going to do? 

Fan. {Takes brush fro7n table.) Oh, here's a brush, get 
the ink. 

John. I turned it all in the powder box. 

Fan. Well, then, get the powder box. (John gets 
'B'E.CK.Y^s powder box, the burnt cork is dampened sufficiently to 
apply with brushy holds the box for Fanny. Fan paints 
black streaks all over the Sheriff's face.) 

Sheriff. {Half asleep.) Let me 'lone. {Hitting flies, 
snoring, dtc. The Twins place brush and ink bottle on table 
and get behind Sw^iRWF, laughing at hi77i^ etc., ad lib.) 

Sheriff. {Snores especially loud and wakes up.) W^here 
am I? 

Fan. You're right in your own dear little home. 

Sheriff. Phwat are yez doin' here? 

John. Oh, we're the new servants. 

Sheriff. Oh, ye are, are ye? Hie — faith, it*s a foine 
noite. Hie — somebody discharged me old servants, an' 
enehanged new ones. Hie — everything's changed around 
so I wouldn't recognize me own home. Hie — take me to me 
room. {The Twins raise the Sheriff and let hi?n drop on 
chair. Then raise hi?n up, pull the chair away a?id let hijn 
fall on the floor. Then raise him up and fire him out door, R. ) 

Fan. Here comes the old maid. 



14 'J'HOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

John. If she catches us she'll lick us. 

Fan. Oh, who cares for her lickins. Come on, John, 
and see the fun. {Grabs ']oYi^ by the ear and runs J m be- 
hind sofa, up R.') 

Enter Becky, door Z., her face still black. 

Becky. If them twins are lost, I suppose I'll be held 
responsible. Gracious! what a lot of trouble they are. I 
went out on the street and a crowd collected and laughed 
at me. (^Looks at her dress, etc., for the cause.^ I don't see 
why. I never was laughed at before. I declare, I'm all 
tuckered out. (^Sits L. ) 

Enter Sheriff, door R., wrapped in blanket. 

Sheriff. Hie — I can't find divil a bit of me clothes to 
change. {Intoxicated through this scene. Becky j^<?j- Sheriff, 
jumps up, screams. The table is between Becky and Sheriff 
and each time one moves the other moves in the opposite direction, 
each afraid of the other. ^ {Aside.') That's funny. Hie — 
a woman in the house. Hie — an' me an old bachelor. 
{^To Becky.) Hie — an' what are ye doin' here? 

Becky. I'm here at the invitation of Josiah Brown. 

Sheriff. Then yer in the wrong house, mum. There's 
no one here be that name. 

Becky. {Aside.) The brazen thing! {To Sheriff.) 
Get out, man, get out! 

Sheriff. Hie — perhaps ye don't know who I am. 

Becky. No, I must say I don't. 

Sheriff. That's funny. I don't know you, either. 

Becky. Sir! 

Sheriff. But to spake the truth, Hie — I'd like to. 
(John and Fan., blowing putty at Sheriyy and Becky, they 
dodging same during this scene^^ 

Becky. I'll have you to understand, sir, that I'm a re- 
spectable maiden lady. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 15 

Sheriff. Be you the mother of the new servants? 

Becky. You're a brute, sir! 

Sheriff. Hie — how spirited you are. Hie — faith, I'm 
fond of spirited cratures when I go to buy a horse. 

Becky. How dare you compare me to a horse. 

Sheriff. Faith, I wouldn't compare ye to a horse. 

Becky. Oh! oh! 

Sheriff. Hie — I 'mane I couldn't compare ye with a 
horse. No, no, I mane that you — that the horse — hie — 
that — hie — oh, I don't know what I mane. 

Becky. I should say you didn't. 

Sheriff. Hie — you see — a horse is a noble beast. 

Becky. Not another word! 

Sheriff. Well, a horse is an animal. 

Becky. Stop, I say — 

Sheriff. An' ye are — hie — ye are a more lovely crature 
than any horse. 

Becky. What? 

Sheriff. No — no — no — no — hie — a horse has four legs. 

Becky. Another word and I'll horsewhip you! 

Sheriff. That'll be a horse on me. Hie — faith, yer a 
daisy. {Going toward Becky.) Come to me arms, me 
dumpling. 

Becky. {Scj^eaming.) Keep awa}^ keep away! {Exit 
door, R. C. The Twins dance around, yelling with delight. 
Tease Sheriff.) 

Sheriff. What the divil do all these people mane by 
runnin' through me house? Faith, I'll put thim all out. 
{Stumbles around after John and Fan. John and Fan. tease 
Sheriff and exeunt door R. Sheriff comedy of trying to 
reach door R. Falls over chairs, etc. Finally stumbles out 
door R. Noise of falling heard. ) 

Enter Mrs. Brown, door R. C. 



l6 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Mrs. B. So that is the house of my truant husband! 
He has the children all right. I left them af the door, and 
saw them enter the house. Then motherly devotion 
asserted itself and I decided to share my dear hubby's evi- 
dent stroke of luck. I have engaged Lynx, the detective, 
to take up the case. Beware, Josiah Brown! The sleuths 
are on .your track and it'll cost j^ou a good sum to get rid 
of me. (^A specialty may be introduced here by Mrs. Brown 
if desired. ) 

Enter Lynx, door L. Sneaking around stage in a mys- 

terious mantier. 

Mrs. B. {Seeing 'Lw'tiy., frightened.) Oh! a man! 

Lynx. {Mysterious.) Hush! Not a word! I tracked 
you here! 

Mrs. B. Tracked me? Gracious! My husband is hav- 
ing me followed. 

Lynx. Hush! You are Mrs. Brown? 

Mrs. B. {Frightened.) Yes — 

Lynx. Hush! Not a word! I am in disguise. I am 
Lynx, the detective! {Poses in a ridiculous manner, legs 
crossed, one hand up, the other on breast.) 

Mrs. B. What, Lynx the great detective? I never 
would have thought it. 

Lynx. Hush! Not a word! Where is he? 

Mrs. B. This is his house. 

Lynx. Hush! Not a word! {Grabs Mrs. B. by arm and 
walks her R, with long strides, which she is compelled jto take to 
keep up. Stops in front of door R.) Wait for me in that 
room. I'll stay here. See how the land lays. Jud, my 
man! Land him sure. Have no fear. Remember I am 
here. I, L3^nx, the detective. Hush! Not a word. (^Pushes 
Mrs. B. off door R.) Hum. {Looking around the room.) 
Nice place — got money — new woman on the string — tired of 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. I? 

old one — cost him tidy sum to get rid of her — make a note 
of it. {Fulls out notebook, writes in it. Noise of scuffle 
heard, Mrs. B. screams, enters door R., runs up stage, scream- 
ing, and exit door R. C.) Remember, I am here. (Sheriff 
staggers on door R, and out again.^ Aha! Accidentally met 
her husband — uijdoubtedly assaulted her — another charge 
against him — make a note of it. ( Writes in notebook. ) 
Conceal myself — await developments, ( Gets behind sofa R. , 
popping up. ) 

Enter Sheriff, door R., wrapped in blanket, intoxicated. 
Sheriff. Oh, I'm so sleepy. What do everybody bother 
me fer. Faith, it must be New Year, an' the whole neigh- 
borhood has turned out to call on me. (Enter Josie door 
R. C.) Faith, here's another. 

Josie. {Aside.) This must be the place. I hope I've 
found father at last. {Coming down C.) Pardon me, sir, 
for intruding — 

Sheriff. Oh, don't mind me. Faith, yer only the six- 
teenth one that's called. 

Josie. Does Josiah Brown — 

Sheriff {Aside.) Another one to see Josiah Brown. 

{To Josie.) He ain't here. He's gone. Hie — faith, I 

think he's dead. Begorra, I hope he's so. (Intoxicated.) 

Josie. {Aside.) Father dead? He hopes so! Gracious! 

What has happened? Oh, my poor father! {Crying.) 

Sheriff. {Aside.) Oh, I'm so sleepy. {To Josie.) 
Ye'U have to excuse me, mum, I'm so sleepy So I wish 
you a happy New Year — hie — an' good luck to ye. 

Josie. Happy New Year! {Aside.) He must be insane! 
(Lynx has been popping up from behind sofa, trying to hear 
what is said, a?id reaches over so far that he loses his balance 
and falls over^ still keeping his eyes on Josie. Josie sees Lynx, 
screams. Exit door R. C. ) 



1 8 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Sheriff. That's what the last caller did. Begobs, some- 
one must have turned loose a whole lunatic asylum. Hie — 
divil a bit I care. Let them enjoy themselves, an' I'll do 
the same. Oh, I'm so sleepy! {^Stumbles off R.) 

Lynx. {Coming down C) Ke won't be so gay when I 
nab him. I couldn't catch the drift of his conversation 
with that woman, but I suppose it's another deserted wife. 
She shed tears enough. Bigamy, eh? Another charge 
against him — make a note of it. ( Writes ift notebook. 
Specialty introduced by Lynx if desired.^ Someone coming, 
I'll conceal myself. Hush! Not a word. {Hides behind 
sofa. ) 

Enter Josiah and Deacon, door R. C. Coming down C. 

JosiAH. I tell ye, Deacon, the best way to git her out of 
the way is to git a closed carriage. 

Lynx. {Popping tip. Aside.') A plot against her life. 
( Writes in notebook. ) 

Deacon. (7i? Josiah.) I don't know about that. What'll 
her husband say? 

Josiah. Oh, I can easily fix it with him — he'll do what- 
ever I say, as long as we work the game all right. 

Deacon. Well, I don't see any use of carryin' it 'way 
down to Indian Bend. Can't we do it just as well up 
here? 

Josiah. Why, 'twon't be no trouble 'tall. We can pull 
off the arms an' legs and ship the body separate. 

Deacon. Yes, but that'll make it more liable to be 
found out. ^ 

Josiah. No 'twon't. An' anyhow, no one '11 suspect us 
of doin' it. 

Deacon. That's so, there's only three of us in the secret. 
(Lynx pointing, writing in notebook, etc. ) 

Josiah. Hush! Don't talk so loud. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 1 9 

Deacon. That reminds me. What be ye goin' to do 
with them twins? 

JosiAH. Oh, just leave them tome. I'll get them out of 
the way all right. 

Deacon. Well, come on then; let's engage the carriage. 
{Exit door C. ) 

JosiAH. (Calling off.) Wait a minute, 'till 1 git some 
money. {Exit door L.) 

Lynx. I've run against the most diabolical plot ever 
concocted! If I can succeed in arresting this pack of vil- 
lains, it'll make me the most famous detective of modern 
times. {Reads 7wtes.') Get w^oman out of the w^ay! Pull 
off arms and legs! Take body in closed carriage to Indian 
Bend! The most lonesome spot on the river; but I'll be 
there! I, Lynx, the detective! I'll frustrate their plans, I 
must run to the police station and call out the reserve! 
First, 111 see if the leader of the gang is safe. {Looks off 
door R.) He's asleep! {Goes up.) Hush! Not a word! 
{Exit window.') 

Enter Sheriff, door R. 

Sheriff. Why the divil can't they let me sleep? The 
nixt mon that disturbs me, I'll fire him out the windy. 
Enter Josiah, door Z., sees Sheriff. 

JosiAH. W^hat are you doin' in my house ? Git right out ! 

Sheriff. Git right out, is it? I'll show ye how I'll 
git out. {Runs Josiah through window, glass crash.) 

Enter Johnny a?id Fanny, door R. 

Fan. Oh, ho, look at the Indian! 

John. Ugh — ugh — much big chief. 

Sheriff. More bother. Faith, I think it's crazy I am. 

Enter Deacon, door C. 

Deacon. Where's Josiah? 



20 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Sheriff. More bother! (6^r^^^ Deacon.) 

Deacon. Stop, sir! You offend my dignity. 

Sheriff. Offind your dignity, is it? Take that for yer 
dignity. {Grabs Deacon, struggle, work out door C. Noise 
heard of Jailing down stairs. Enter door C.) Faith, I'm 
afraid his dignity has had a fall. (John and Fanny make 
faces rt/ Sheriff.- Sheriff chases them.^ Oh, I'm so sleepy. 
{^Exit door R. ) 

Fan. Oh, what fun we are having. 

John. Wait until the old maid catches us. 

Fan. Oh, bother the old maid! (^Double specialty. Exeunt 

door L. ) 

Enter Lynx, windoiv. 

Lynx. Hush! Not a word! Lynx is on deck again. 

{Goes stealthily to door R., looks off.) The leader of th^ 

gang is still asleep. I'll fasten the door so he can't get 

away. {Locks door.) Ah, great head! Who but Lynx 

would think of that? Now for the police station. Hush! 

Not a word! {Exit window.) 

Enter Deacon C, all broken up. 

Deacon. Such treatment as I have received! It quite 
offends my dignity. Ah, I see — Josiah an' me are both in 
love with Becky Green. He's jealous of me, and has hired 
a villain to throw me down stairs, kill me, and thus get me 
out of the way. 

Enter J osi ah C. , all broken up. 

Josiah. Oh, my leg! Oh, my back! Oh, my^head! 

Deacon. What do you mean, sir, by such conduct? 

Josiah. I — I — I don't know. 

Deacon. Well, I do. You hired a big, ugly brute of a 
man to throw me down stairs, but you shall suffer for this 
assault. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 2 1 

JosiAH. Throw you down stairs? 

Deacon. Yes, you needn't deny it. Oh, I know your 
scheme. 

JosiAH. No sech thing. Why, Deacon — 

Deacon. Ef it wan't fer my religious scruples, I'd give 
}OU a lickin'. 

JosiAH. Wall, ef it comes to that, I licked you when I 
was a youngster. 

Deacon. But ye can't do it now. 

JosiAH. Can't, heh? Wall, by gosh, there's notbin' like 
try in'. {Pt/l/s off coat. ) 

Deacon. You dare riie, eh? {Pulls off coat, showing red 
under sim't to which is fastened white collar and cuffs. Josiah 
dz;z^ Deacon spitting on hands, squarifig off, making bluff feints, 
etc. , supposed to be fighting, but never hit each other. ) 

Enter John and Fannv, door L. 

Fan. Oh, look at the jay fight! 

John. Fight! fight! fight! 

Fan. I'll bet on the red. 

John. Aw, go on, he ain't in it with the jay. 

Josiah. {With tre?nendous effort ait?is a blow at Deacon, 
but hits ]oHT<!T<!Y instead.) There, now! 

John. {Running R. holding eye.) Oh, why don't you hit 
a fellow your size? 

Fan. Go on! Hit him! Hit him one for me! 

John. What's the matter? Are you afraid of him? 
( Puts on one of the coats. ) 

Deacon. {Rising.) Josiah! 

Josiah. {Rising.) Deacon! 

Deacon. Ain't you ashamed to act like a child? 

Josiah. I am ef you be. 

Sheriff. {Outside R.) Let me out! Let me out! 

Fan. {At window.) Oh, here comes the old maid! 



22 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Deacon. Gimme my coat, quick! {Grabs coat.^ 

JosiAH. That's my coat! 

Deacon. It's mine', I say. (Josiah and Deacon struggle 
for coat. Each gets an arm m sleeve, pulling, swinging around, 
meeting, glaring at each other.') 

Sheriff. {Out R.) Let me out, or I'll break the door 
down! 

Enter Becky, door C. 

Becky. Where be them Twins? (Fanny^ oji chair C, 
pulls i;^ Becky's 7uig and puts it on herself.') 

Sheriff. {Breaks open door R., stumbles on, still i?i 
blanket.) What the divil is all this? (Becky screams. 
Josiah and Deacon struggle to get to Sheriff. John and 
Y K^'iii\ jump around in glee. ) 

Lynx. {At door C, pointing two revolvers.') I arrest you 
ail in the name of the law. 

tableau — quick curtain. 

ACT II. 

Scene. Wood scene with landscape backing, green baize down. 
Wood wings, R.^ and L. 

Enter Lynx, Z. 
Lynx. Foiled again, and all through forgetting to load 
my pistols. But I am here, still on their track. {Looking 
off.) They haven't arrived yet, but when they do I shall 
be here. Little do they suspect that I, LynXj. the detective, 
will be here to prevent the execution of their vile plot. 
Aha! they come; they have a long box; it undoubtedly con- 
tains the body; they have succeeded in murdering her; I 
was too late to save her life, but I'll hang the murderers. 
Hush! Not a word! I'll conceal myself. {Exit R. 3.) 
Enter' Josiah a7id Deacon Z,, carrying long box. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 23 

JosiAH. Hist your end up a bit, Deacon, you're strainin' 
my arm. 

Deacon. Whew! This crazy idea of your'n '11 be the 
means of breakin' my back. 

JosiAH. Oh, pshaw, it'll do you good to get a little 
exercise. 

Deacon. I can't go another step. 

JosiAH. Don't let go. The statue '11 break if you drap 
it. We'll put it right on that knoll over there, where it'll 
be easy to unpack. 

Deacon. (^Groans.) Oh, my back. 

JosiAH. Steady now, steady. I'll sing to cheer ye up. 
(Sings.) John Brown's body lies a-moldering in the 
grave, \Exeunt R. 2.) 

Enter Lynx, R. j. 

Lynx. They have her body, and the villains are brutal 
enough to sing about it. But they're caught at last, their 
diabolical plot nipped in the bud. But first I must get 
tools to open that box, and then I'll confront them with the 
evidence of their crime,, and arrest them in the name of the 
law. Hush! Not a word! (^Exit U. L.) 

Enter Josie, Z. 2. 

JosiE. I thought I saw my father pass in a carriage. I 
only caught a glimpse of his face, but I am sure it was h*e. 
I just met the same carriage returning empty — oh, I do 
hope I will find him alive. 

Enter Mrs. B., R. j. 

JosiE. Ah, perhaps this lady can give me some infor- 
mation. (71? Mrs. B.) I beg your pardon, do you happen 
to be acquainted with a Mr. Josiah Brown? 

Mrs. B. {Starting.) Josiah Brown! What do you 
know about Josiah Brown? 



24 THOSE DREAi/FL'L TWINS. 

]osi£. Why, he is my father. 

Mrs. B. Your father? {Aside.) The wretch! He must 
have had a grown up daughter when he married me. 

JosiE. Do you know him? 

Mrs. B. Know him? I should think I do, to my sor- 
row. Why,^ he is my husband. 

JosiE. Your husband? 

Mrs. B. Yes, and worse than that. He willfully deserted 
me and his two young children. But I'll have the law on 
him — the sleuths are on his track. He won't be at liberty 
to practice his deception much longer. 

JosiE. {Aside.) Gracious! What has father done? 
Wife — children — desertion — law — sleuths — deception. I 
must see the family lawyer at once. {To Mrs. B., wit/i 
effort.) Thank you, Miss. {Exit L. U.) 

Mrs. B. Mrs. Brown, if you please. Oh, the villain, 
to deceive me so! I wonder what has become of that de- 
tective? They told me at the police station he was out this 
way somewhere. Perhaps my husband is hiding in the 
vicinity. I'll walk a bit further and see what is going on. 
{Exit I^. [/.) 

Enter Josiah and Deacon, R. 2. 

Deacon. Oh, my back is broken. 

JosiAH. Never mind, it'll soon be all right. Just think, 
we've got the statue out here — took it out of the box and 
put it together long before the folks arrived. 

Deacon. Is Sheriff O'Brien goin' to make the presenta- 
tion speech? 

JosiAH. Yes, an' wan't it funny he should get into my 
house by mistake? 

Deacon. It was, by hookey. 

JosiAH. An' the worst of it was, none of us knew him. 
{Laughs.) Ha, ha, ha, ha. I suspect them twins had 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 



25 



somethin' to do with his carryin' on the way he did. I tell 
ye, Deacon, they're cute uns. 

Deacon. Funny the folks don't come. What d'ye say 
ef we go down to the river an' get a drink while we're 
waitin' ? 

JosiAH. I don't care ef I do. {^Exeunt U. R.^ 
Enter Lynx, U. Z., -ivith shovel, pickax, etc., an armful. 

Lynx. Aha! now to force open the box, identify the 
body and arrest the villains. Hush! Not a word! {Exit 
U. R.) 

Enter Becky, Johnny, L. 2, Fanny. Each carrying boxes. 

Becky. Noav put down them boxes carefully, or you'll 
spile the lunch. 

John. You ain't goin' to stop here, are you? 

Becky. Yes, this is where the picnic will be held. 

Fan. I thought we was goin' to the river. 

Becky. This is near the river. 

Fan. 'Tain't either. {Throws do7vn boxes.') 

Becky. Don't contradict me, an' be careful of them 
boxes. 

John. I want to go to the river. {Both yell, want to go 
to river — river. ) 

Becky. Now be quiet, or I'll take you back home. 

Fan. We won't go home. 

John. I don't want to go home. {Both throw all the 
boxes at Becky and exit R. ) 

Becky. Them pesky twins '11 be the death of me yet, ef 
they keep on with their tantrums. 

Enter JosiAH ^/?^ Deacon, U, R. 
Becky. Mornin', Josiah; mornin', Deacon. 
JosiAH. Why, Becky, where's the folks? 
Becky. Ain't they come yet? 



26 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Deacon. No, an' it's funny they hain't, too. (Josiah 
suddenly bursts into a laughing fit. Becky and Deacon 
surprised.^ Why, Josiah, what's come over you? 

Becky. He ain't suddenly gone mad, has he? 

Josiah. {^Still laughing..^ We — (^laughs) we — {laughs^ 
we've all been so tarnation careful to keep that 'ere statue 
business a secret that we've — {laughs) we've — (laughs) 

Becky. Gracious sakes alive, we never told the folks 
where to come to the picnic. 

Deacon. Now what'U we do? 

Josiah. Do? Why, we'll have to do without 'em. 

Becky. We're here, an' we may as well have a picnic 
while we're about it. 

Josiah. But the fun of it is we'll have to carry that ere 
statue back to town again. 

Deacon. And my back'U be broken. 

Josiah. Here comes the Sheriff. 

Enter Sheriff, 17. Z. 

Josiah, Deacon, Becky. Good mornin'. Sheriff. 

Sheriff. A mighty good mornin' to ye all. Faith, it's 
a treat to be lookin' at ye out of sober eyes. Begorra, the 
last time we met I was that under the weather I could see 
a quarter dozen of each of ye. But where's the picnic? 

Becky. Oh, them boys {indi{:ati?ig Josiah and Deacon) 
were so afraid somebody'd find out about that statue that 
they forgot to tell the rest where to come. 

Sheriff. Thin, begorra, ef we can't entertain the others 
it'll be our duty to entertain ourselves. 

Josiah. Hurrah! them's my sentiments to a T. Let's 
sing a song. 

Sheriff. Perhaps Miss Green will favor us. 

Josiah. Yes, Becky, sing for us. 

All. Oh, do sing. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 27 

Becky. Wall, ef you insist. {Sings out of tune, ivith 
awkward gestures.') Won't you be mine, pretty Dick, pretty 
Dick, etc. (^All exit in disgust .) 

Enter Becky with pail — Specialties. 

Becky. I almost forgot about the lemonade. Every- 
body' 11 be so thirsty they won't know what to do. (^Emp- 
ties bottle of lemon juice in pail, stirs with spoott, gets cup, tastes 
lemonade, smacks her lips.) Where be they all? i^Looks 
around, exit L. ) 

Enter Lynx, U, R, 

Lynx. I found the box — it was empty. They have con- 
cealed the body, but I, Lynx, the detective, will discover it. 
Ah! here is an old woman, evidently one of the conspirators. 
I'll nab her first. 

Enter Becky. 

Lynx. Madam, I must request you to go with me. 
( Touches her shoulder. ) 

Becky. How dare you lay your hands on me, you pesky 
thing. (^Knocks him down with her umbrella. ) 

Lynx. (^Comedy fall.) Aha! violence, eh? I'll arrest 
her for assaulting an officer. (^Up to Becky.) 

Becky. Don't you dare come near me, you nasty var- 
mint. (^Swings umbrella.) 

Lynx. {^Pulling revolver.) Hands up — 

Becky. Oh! {Screams.) Put it away! Put it away! 
{Rtms off, U. L.) 

Lynx. She's a dangerous character. I'll land her in 
jail if it costs me life. {Exit after Becky.) 

Enter John «i^^ Fan., ^. 
Fan. Oh, look at the old maid runnin'. 
John. There's a man after her with a pistol. She's 
goin' to be shot. Oh, goody, goody. 



28 those dreadful twins. 

Enter Sheriff, U. R. 

Fan. Oh, mister, there's a man with a pistol chasin' a 
woman. 

Sheriff. Where? Where? Faith, yer right. (^Throws 
off his coat.') Begorra, if I catch that blackguard I'll brain 
him. {^Exit U. Z.) 

John anO Fan. Hooray fer old Ireland! 

John. {^Goes over to pail.) What's this? {Tastes.) 
Lemonade. 

Fan. (Going t/iroug/t pockets of Sheriff* s coat.) What 
is it? 

John. Lemonade — good, too. {Drinks.y 

Fan. {Pulls out whisky bottle.) Oh, see what I found 
in the coat. {Sjnelling, tasting^ etc.) Whisky — aw, what 
nasty stuff. 

John. I tell you what — let's put the whisky in the 
lemonade. 

Fan. Wait till I get some, won't you? Do you suppose 
I want to get a jag on? 

John. Hurry up, then, before they catch us at it. 

Fan. {Drinking.) I'll do just as I please. {Fighting, 
kicking, etc., turns, whisky in.) There now, we'll get the 
whole crowd drunk. {Puts bottle back in coat. ) 

John. Not the Irishman. 

Fan. No, 'cause he takes his straight. Gee, how I'd 
like to see that goodj^-goody deacon get loaded clean up 
to the neck. 

John. An' the old maid so paralyzed she couldn' t lick us. 

Fan. Here comes the deacon. Shut up an' come be- 
hind the trees where we can watch 'em. {Pulls John off 
L. 2 by ear. ) 

Enter Deacon ^;///Josiah, R. 

JosiAH. I tell ye, Deacon, that air Irishman is an all-fired 
nice fellow arter all. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 29 

Deacon. Yes, all but his desire for strong drink. What 
do you think of his offerin' me a drink of whisky? It 
quite offended my dignity. 

JosiAH. Yes, that must have seemed kind o' strange — 
{pause) to you. I know I wouldn't touch none of the pesky 
pizen. 

Deacon. Where's Becky? 

JosiAH. That's so, she ain't here. {Sees pail.) Why, 
Deacon, she's made some lemonade an' gone to look fer us. 
It's red lemonade, too; ef it ain't I'll eat my hat. 

Deacon. Very thoughtful of Miss Green, to be sure. 
I'm as dr}' as a whistle. 

JosiAH. {Dips cup.) 'Drink, Deacon, drink. You're 
drier'n I be. 

Deacon. {Drinks, smacks lips, etc.) By George, but 
that's good! 

JosiAH. Have another. 

Deacon. Thank ye, I will. (Josiah passing cupful aftei' 
cupful, ivhicJi Deacon empties at once and passes for more.) 

Josiah. {Nettled.) Wal, see here, Deacon, I'm sorry 
ye're so thirst}^ but ye mustn't fergit I'm here, too. 
{Drinking.) Gosh, but that's better'n all the whisky in 
seven counties. Burns all the way down, too. (Deacon 
begifts to feel effects of whisky. ) What's the matter, Deacon? 

Deacon. {Holding head.) Oh, I'm so tired. 

Josiah. {Slightly intoxicated. ) You must be all-fired tired 
to stumble around in that way. Why, jest then I thought 
I see two of 3'ou. 

Deacon. Oh, I'm so tired. 

JosiAH. Whoop! Who cares? Hurrah for everybody! 
Fill 'em up again. 

Enter Josie, U. R. Sees Josiah. 

Josie. Why, there's father now, and Deacon Whitbeck. 



30 THOSE DREADP^'L TWINS. 

(^Conies down.) Father! Father! Why, father, don't 3^011 
know me? 

JosiAH. Don't know ye — don't want to. 

Deacon. Oh, Fm so tired. 

JosiE. Gracious! They're intoxicated. To think that 
my father should ever come to this. FU have to get a 
policeman to help them home. {^Exit U. R. Deacon ^;z^Jo- 
siAH stu7tibling around, falling on each other's neck, etc.) — 
Tableau. 
Enter Sheriff, clothes torn, wheeling Becky in baby carriage. 

Sheriff. Begorra, I saved the lady, but I didn't see 

nary a sign of the blackguard what attacted her. Faith, 

she must have mistook me fer him, fer she fought like a 

bulldog, and then she suddenly flopped over in me arms 

and fainted dead away. But, thank hivin, she's safe now. 

{^Perceives J^'E.A.co^ and ]os,ikW.) What's the matter with 

ye all? Is it dumb ye are? (Deacon a?id Josiah mumble and 

stumble arotmd.) Oh, I see — but where did yfe get it? 

Faith, I understood this was to be a temperance crowd at 

a Sunday-school picnic. (Deacon ^;z^ Josiah jr/m^/Z/^i".) 

Begorra, Fllhave a wee drop meself, after all that exertion. 

Becky. Oh! Oh! 

Sheriff, She's faintin'. FU give her an eye-opener. 

Faith, Fll turn some down -the lady's throat ef she don't 

come to pretty soon. ( Goes to coat, feels for bottle. Deacon 

^;?// Josiah sit on stage, etc.) It's gone. Oh ho! Oh ho! I 

smell a rat. So there's where they got it, while I was 

savin' the lady, they was here drinkin' up me whisky on the 

sly. Begorra, they do be a pretty pair of chorch deacons. 

Faith, I've a good notion to throw thim both in the river 

an' sober 'em up. Hey there — wake up! {^Shakes V>Y.kCO^ 

and Josiah. Enter John and Fan., L. 2.) Here, you 

dreadful twins, wake up these terriers while I attind to the 

lady. (John and Fan, jump over, kick, etc.) 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 3I 

Becky. {Coming to.) Where am I? 

Sheriff. Faith, ye're with yer friends, safe and sound. 
Excuse me fer wheelin' ye here in that thingamajig, but it 
was the only carriage I could find. Aisy, now, moind the 
step. {Helps Becky out of ca7'riage. ) 

Becky. {Sees Josiah «;^;^ Deacon. ) Land sakes alive! 
What's come over the deacon? 

Sheriff. Well, I'll tell ye. They've been standin' in 
the sun. Faith, that box was too heavy, and the load was 
too much for 'em. 

Becky. {Nervous.) An' no medicine here? Oh, give 
them some lemonade, quick! 

Sheriff. Begorra, I really don't think it'd be good for 
'em — you see they've had too much water — faith, I'm afraid 
they've had more to drink now than is good for 'em. 

Becky. Oh, I'm so thirsty. Give me a drink. {Goes 
to pail. ]OYi^ and ¥k^., specialties.') 

Sheriff. {I?iterrupts her.) Faith, it'll be me that'll 
have that honor. {Hands her cupful. ) 

Becky. How clamefied you Irishmen be. {Drinks, 
spits.) Oh! Oh! It's pizened. Somebody's^ pizened the 
lemonade! 

Sheriff. Pizen ! What the deuce shall we do with them ? 
{Points to Josiah and Deacon.) 

Becky. Get 'em to the river fast as we can, strip off 
their clothes an' dump 'em in. It'll soak out the pizen. 
{She grasps Deacon, Sheriff takes Josiah, and they hustle 
thetti off, U. R. , followed by John and Fan. , yelling and danc- 
ing with delight. ) 

Enter Lynx, U. L. 

Lynx. Foiled again, but I'm still on their track. 
{Looks off R.) There goes the whole gang. What do I 
see? They're undressing two of the men. Ah, I under- 



32 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Stand! The leader has murdered two accomplices and is 
going to sink the bodies in the river, but I'll circumvent 
them. I'll secure their clothes and hold them as evidence. 
Hush! Not a word! {^Exit U. R.) 

Enter Mrs. B., R. 2. 

Mrs. B. I wonder if he's attending to business, or 
drinking up the money I advanced him. I'll wait around 
and see if he puts in an appearance. {^Specialty. Exit L. 2.) 

Enter Lynx, U. R., with clothes. 

Lynx. I've secured the clothes. Now I'll take them 
to headquarters to be marked for identification. Hush! 
Not a word! {Exit U. L. Noise outside — Hey! Hey! Stop, 
thief!) 

Sheriff. {Runs on R.) Where did he go? I'll teach 
him to steal clothes. {Exit U. 6'.) 

Enter Becky, U. R. 

Becky. Gracious! What a desperate thief that must 
be! He's bound to steal something. I'll have to rig up 
somethin' fer them boys ter wear. They certainly can't go 
home in that condition. 

JosiAH. {Heard on R.) Who stole my clothes? 

Deacon. {Heard out of ?text entrance.') I want my 
clothes. 

John and Fan. {Run on U. L., point to J. andD.) Yah! 
Yah! Rubber! 

Becky. (TV'Twins.) Keep quiet, can't ye? (TI'Josiah 
and Deacon.) Now, you boys, get in them bji&hes where 
nobody can see you, an' I'll get you some clothes. {Exit 
U. R.) 

John. Ain't it fun? 

Fan. Shut up, or you'll give the whole snap away. (John 
and ¥ AN. ye//, dance, etc.) ■* 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 33 

Enter Josiah and Deacon, U, R., each with table-cloths 

round them. 

Deacon Oh, I'm so tired. 

Becky. {To Twins.) Stop, or I'll knock yer heads to- 
gether. {To Deacon.) I'm sorry, Deacon, but it's the 
best I could do. 

JosiAH. We nearly had to go home in a barrel. 

Enter Mrs. B., L. 2, sees John and Fat<!. 

Mrs. B. Why, what are you doing here? 

John and Fan. Nuffin. 

Mrs. B. Come away from these gypsies at once. 
( Takes each by the hand. ) 

John and Fan. {Hanging back.) I don't want to go. 

Becky. Let go them children, you brazen thing. 

Mrs. B. Well, I guess I have a right to m}^ own 
children. 

Becky. Your children! Wall, goodness gracious, how 
she can lie! 

Deacon. Oh, I'm so tired. 

JosiAH. That's all very well fer you ter talk about them 
bein' your children, but by ginger you jest let go of 'em 
quick, 'fore I hand you over to a police ossifer. {Takes 
Twins away from her.) 

Mrs. B. The very idea! How dare you take my own 
children away from me? 

JosiAH. There, that'll do, madam. You'll only make 
matters worse by sayin' any more. The best thing you can 
do is to skedaddle, and that mighty quick, too. 

Becky. That means ^o! Do you understand? 

Mrs. B. Yes, I will go. I'll go to the police station 
and have you all arrested for kidnappins. {Goes up Z., 
}-uns into Sheriff as he enters U. Z.) 



34 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Sheriff. {^Holds foot, jumps around.^ Howly murther 
of Moses! 

Mrs. B. Another member of the gang! {Exit U. Z.) 

Sheriff. Another member of the gang? What does she 
mean? {Comes down.) That fellow run wid them clothes 
faster than the divil on horseback. 

JosiAH. Never mind, Sheriff, Becky has furnished us 
with the means to git home, an' I guess them old clothes 
won't do him much good, anyhow. 

Sheriff. Oh, ho! Ye look like two cannibals. 

Deacon. Oh, I'm so tired. 

Josiah. By gosh, we're all tired. Let's sing a song an' 
go home. {Sings badly.) John Brown's Body, etc. 

Becky. Josiah, we all feel bad enough now. Hadn't 
you better sing something more cheerful? 

Josiah. Don't care if I do. Chorus: ''Comedy Four 
Medley." Finale. 

ACT III. 

Scene. Same as Act i. Fanny discovered in center door. 
Enter Josiah, Z. , iiead bandaged, to music of ^^Oh, What a 
Difference in the Mor7iing.'" 

Josiah. Oh, my back! Oh, my leg! Oh, my head! 
Oh, what a picnic that was. Wal, I'll be gosh hanged ef I 
want any more in mine. I know when I've golTenough. It's 
the strangest thing about that cuss what foUered me home. 
I can't go out doors but what he's right at my heels, an' I 
can't even go near a window, but what I see him watchin' 
me from the outside. I wish I had a shotgun — I'd fill him 
so full of buckshot that he'd fetch a right smart price fer 
old lead. Gosh, he's worse' n a — But how'm I goin' to get 
rid of him? — that's the question. 



those dreadful twins. 35 

Enter Rastus/C 

Rastus. Mornin', sah. 

JosiAH. Gosh, how you scared me. I thought you was 
somebody else. Now, what do you want? 

Rastus. I done come up to see if you wanted any help. 

JosiAH. No, I don't want nobody. Ef I get in much 
more trouble, I'll have to close up shop an' go to the hos- 
pital. If it gets much worse, they may take me to the 
lunatic asylum. Anyhow, I won't need no help to git to 
either place. 

Rastus. Den you can't give me no job. 

JosiAH. Course I can't. 

Rastus. Den I reckon I better git out. 

JosTAH. That's about the only thing fer you to do. 
(Rastus going.^ Hold on thar, one minute — be you strong? 

Rastus. Course I'se strong. 

JosiAH. Strong, eh? Could you lick me? 

Rastus. {Aside.) He must a done gone clean out'n his 
head. (To Josiah.) I reckon I could try it, sah. 

JosiAH. Then I'll hire you. You can go right to work. 

Rastus. All right, sah, what doin' ? 

Josiah. You can sit right down in that chair and wait. 

Rastus. Dat's a funny kind of a job. 

Josiah. You may not find it so funny before you git 
through. Now, I want you to sit thar an' watch that door 
like a hawk, an' ef you see any suspicious lookin' characters 
come in, you jest fire 'em out. Do ye hear? 

Rastus. Yas, sah, I hears. 

Josiah. Thar's a man been foUerin' me around, an' I 
mean to stop it. Mind ye don't let him fool ye by comin' 
in lookin' like somebody else. 

Rastus. No, sah, I reckon I'll know him when I see him. 

Josiah. He might even wear a dress like a woman, 



36 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

might even try to make you "think he was me an' owned 
this house. But you jest don't let him fool you — you put 
him out quicker'n he came in. 

Rastus. Yas, sah, I put him out. 

JosiAH. Gosh, I got so worked up I ain't had no break- 
fast. I guess I'll go an' get some. Oh, my back! Oh, 
my leg! Oh, my head! {Exit.^ 

Rastus. Now, I'm in fer it. Supposin' dis yeh man is 
bigger'n me, how's I goin' ter put him out? {Listens, noise 
R.') Yah he come! Yah he come! 

Enter John andYh^^., R. 

Both. Oh, look at the coon. 

Rastus. Who you callin' a coon? {Chases them around 
and off R. Exit.) I'd like to see anybody call me a coon. 
{^Plays on instruments.) 

Enter Josie, C. 

Josie. Ah, one of the servants. {To Rastus.) Does 
Josiah Brown live here? 

Rastus. What you want to know fer? 

Josie. Because I want to see him. 

Rastus. What fer? 

Josie, The most natural thing in the world. He's my 
father. 

Rastus. Oh, dat's an' old gag. 

Josie. Gag! How dare you? 

Rastus. Scuse me, missus, but I'se got to be careful. 
You may be one of dem s'picious characters. 

Josie. Why, what do you mean? 

Rastus. Never mind what I means. I know my 
business. 

Josie. You impudent scoundrel! My father at once! 

Rastus. Am you a man in a woman's dress? 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 37 

JosiE. This is my father's house, and those are my mu- 
sical instruments. 

Rastus. See heah, jes' play on dem instruments and 
prove it to me dey's yours. (^Specialty. ^ 

JosiE. Now, call my father at once. 

Rastus. Yas'm. I recken you ain't no s'picious char- 
aster after all. (^Exit door Z.) 

JosiE. I little suspected I would have all this trouble 
when I started to pay my father a visit. 

Enter RasTUs, L. 
Rastus. He ain't yah, missus, but I done reckon he 
won't be gone long. 

JosiE. I'll wait in the library. Let me know, as soon as 
he returns. i^Exit door R. ) 

Rastus. I guess he must a been dreamin' 'bout dat 
s'picious character. I ain't seen none. 

Enter Josiah, C 

JosiAH. Still waitin'? 

Rastus. Course I'se waitin'. (^Asuie.') Dat'sde s'picious 
character. 

JosiAH. Wall, you needn't wait no longer. 

Rastus. {Aside.) Dat's him. He done look a powerful 
sight like Massa Brown. 

Josiah. Well, w^ell, I said you could go. 

Rastus. I heard you. But I done reckon you'll be de 
fust to go. {Grabs Josiah, ru?is him off C. ) Dat's de way 
I treat s'picious characters. 

Re-enter Josiah. 

Josiah. Stop it! Stop it! Don't touch me. You're 
too much of a good thing. Now, you get right out. 
Rastus. Deed, massa, I didn't know it was you. 
Josiah. That's a mighty thin excuse, but I suppose I'll 



38 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

have to swallow it. Now, 5^ou jest quit yer monkey shines 
an' git upon that chair quicker'n greased lightning. (Ras- 
Tus dresses, Josiah puts sheet around him. ) Now do you 
know whatyou are? Well, you're a statue of Minervy. The 
one we bought fer the parson's wife was busted all to pieces 
bringin' it here from Indian Bend; so to save Becky's queer 
feelin's you've got to be Minervy long enough to be inspected 
by the committee; and mind you don't move a muscle or 
you'll spile the whole business. {^Fixes sheet. ^ There, now, 
you stand perfectly still till I tell you to get down. 
Enter John a7id Fan, a7id look on. 

Rastus. How's I gwine to keep still wid de flies an' 
mosquitoes botherin' me all the time? 

JosiAH. Keep quiet, here they come. 

Enter Becky a7id Sheriff, C. 

Josiah. Mornin', Sheriff; mornin', Becky. Why, 
where's the Deacon? 

Becky. We stopped at the Deacon's on the way over. 
He's still sick from the pizenin' he got yesterday. Thinks 
it's goin' to turn into paralysis. 

Sheriff. Serves him right fer gettin' paralized on my 
whisky. 

Becky. Why, Josiah, where's the statue? (Josiah /^/;z/j- 
to Rastus.) 

Becky. And is that a statue of Minervy? 

Sheriff. Begorra, she couldn't a been no^d fer her 
beauty. 

Becky. I never knew afore that Minervy was black. 

Sheriff. Didn't ye? Faith, I knew that all me life. 

Becky. Now, ef I'd a known that, I'd a voted to git her 
a new baby carriage instead of the statue., 

Josiah. Now, ef you'll jest step into the dinin' room 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 39 

we'll have a cup of tea, while we decide what to do about 
the statue. 

Becky. It may seem foolish, but {going) do you know, 
I could almost swear I saw that statue move. {Exit L., 
followed by Sheriff. Josiah shakes fist at Rastus, exit L. 
John a7id Fan. exit.) 

Enter Lynx, C. 

Lynx. Aha! I've tracked the gang to this house. Now, 
I'll capture them all. {Sees Rastus, inspects him.) Hum I 
It's the leader of the gang. He's disguised himself to throw 
me off his track. But I, Lynx, the detective, am not to be 
thrown off. Hush! Not a word! 

Rastus. I ain't sayin' nuffin', am I? 

Lynx. Hush! You must come with me. 

Rastus. What do I want to go with j^ou fer? 

Lynx. Resistance will be useless. 

Rastus. ( With razof, at door. Yells. Exit C. ) 

Lynx. I am here. {Exit C. ) 

Enter John ^?/z^/ Fan. i?. , ivith glue-pot and newspaper. 

John. What shall we do with the glue? 

Fan. Why, stick something, of course. Did you think 
we was goin' to eat it? 

John. An' forget it? 

Fan. Gimme that glue-pot. 

John. I won't either. (Fanny Grabs it, kicks his shins, 
John jir//i-. ) Oh! 

Fan. {Daubs seat of chair, draws chair by table and news- 
paper on table.) There, now, the first one that goes to 
rubber-neckin' around for that paper will sit down there 

and get stuck fast. 

Enter Lynx, C. 

Lynx. Hush! Not a word! (John and Fan. laugh 
and guy.) I must arrest somebody. I'll arrest these chil- 



40 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

dren. They'll turn state's evidence against the rest of the 
gang. {Grabs John and Fan.) Caught at last! {^Kicking 
him, etc., whirl hwi around, co??iedy fall. John ^;^^ Fan. exit 
door R.) Foiled again — but I'm still on their track. I'll 
conceal myself. Hush! Not a word! {Hides behind sofa, 
Specialty, Lynx.) 

Enter Sheriff, door L. 

Sheriff. Faith, I'm sweatin' like a purpoise — that dinin' 
room is as hot as an oven. Begorra, there's the mornin' 
paper. I wonder what's the news. {Sits in chair, with 
newspaper. ) 

Lynx. {Coming down.) Hush! Not a word! 

Sheriff. Faith, I'm dumb as an oyster about the 
matter. 

Lynx. I have tracked you to this house. 

Sheriff. Ye don't say? Begorra, have ye enjoyed 
yourself? 

Lynx. Where is her body? 

Sheriff. ^ What's he talkin' about? 

Lynx. Where's the bodies of your two — 

Sheriff. Faith, the mon is crazy. I'll have to put him 
out. {Rising, aside.) Faith, I'm stuck. Somebody must 
have left their Tuttie Fruth chewing gum on the chair. 
( Trying to get loose. ) 

Lynx. Resistance is useless. I have you in my power. 

Sheriff. {Aside.) I should say he had, unless I ruin 
me best Sunday go-to-meetin' pants by pulling meself loos«. 

Lynx. You must come with me. 

Sheriff. I'm much obliged to ye, but to tell ye the truth 
I'd rather stay here; ye see I'm quite stuck on this place. 

Lynx. {Aside.) He's t^e coolest rascal I ever saw. 
{To Sheriff.) I command you to accompany me, Sheriff. 

Sheriff. He's crazy as a bedbug. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 4I 

Lynx. Hush! Not a word! 

Sheriff. {Aside.) I suppose any minute he's Hable to 
jump at me an' tear me e3^es out. 

Lynx. Where are your accomplices? 

Sheriff. {Aside.) I'll have to jolly him. (71? Lynx.) 
Your wastin' your time talkin' about them — you see they 
are all dead. 

Lynx. Dead! And you confess it? 

Sheriff. {Aside.) I wish I was out of here. 

Lynx. Double-dyed villain! 

Sheriff. {Aside.) I'll have to make a break. 

Lynx. Reveal to me the spot and I'll spare your life. 

Sheriff. Faith, I'll go ye. Meet me by moonlight 
alone. 

Lynx. {Aside.) He's laying a trap for my life, but I 
am too much for him. I, Lynx, the detective. (Sheriff 
Runs off C. , holding chair. ) 

Lynx. Remember, I am here. {Exit C.) 

Enter John a?id Fan., door R., with rope and flypaper and 

kazoos. 

Fan. Oh, hurry up. 

John. Ain't I hurrin'? 

Fan. Don't you sass me. 

John. Oh, shut up. 

Fan. What? {Slaps him. Fighting.) Aw, what's the 
use of scrappin' ? Come on and nelp me fix this rope. {Ty- 
ing rope in front of door ^ Z., puts flypaper on table.) Now, 
let's make all the noise we can, and when he chases us we'll 
get on the other side of the table so he'll get stuck on the 
flypaper. {Blowing kazoos, hide behind chairs. ) 

Josiah. {At door C.) What in darnation is all this 
noise about? Sounds like a gutter band. {Falls over rope.) 
Gosh. Now, what have I struck? (John ^^2^ Fan. laugh.) 



42 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Oh, it's you, is it? Come here to me an' I'll warm your 
jackets fer you. (John and Fan. laugh. Chasing them.^ 
Trip me up, will ye? Come out from behind that table. 
Do you hear me? Well, gosh all hemlocks, durn the pesky 
stuff. ( With flypaper. ) 

Fan. Oh, you're awfully stuck up, ain't you? 

John. Stick to it and you'll be all right. 
' JosiAH. Just wait till I get off. 1 won't do a thing to 
you blasted brats. (John «;z^ Fan. laugh.') Stick! darn 
you, stick! Stick till the cows come home. {^Exit L. 
John andYh.^^. laugh.) 

Fan. {At window.) Here comes the Deacon. 

John. Let's trip him up. 

Fan. All right. {Placing I'ope before door C.) 
Enter Deacon, C Falls over. ]o}i^ and ¥ai^. guy a?td laugh. 

Deacon. Children, aren't you ashamed to play tricks on 
a poor old man with one foot in the grave? 

Fan. Why don't you put the other foot in the grave, too? 

John. His feet are too big to get both in at once. 
- Deacon. Children! I am dying by inches. 

Fan. Why don't you die by feet and have it over 
quicker. 

John. His hair is dyed already. 

Deacon. It'll take less than a week for my lower limbs 
to be paralyzed. 

John. It only took you ten minutes yesterday to get 
paralyzed all over. 

Fan. Oh, we'll be good. Come on, Johnny, and help the 
Deacon to a seat. {Takes one arm.) 

John. {Takes other.) Oh! I'm so sorry. {To chair, dumps 
him. ) 

Deacon. Oh, I'm so tired. {Sleepy.) 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 



43 



Fan. Get the gluepot quick. (John exit door R. Fan 
tickling Deacon's 7iose. Re-e7iter John, Z. , with gluepot, glue- 
ing his feet to floor. ^ Come on before they catch us. {Both 
exit R. ) 

Enter Becky, door L. 

Becky. Why, here's the Deacon. V>Q2.zovi {shakes hi7n~), 
tain't good for you to sleep in a chair. 

Deacon. Oh, I'm so tired. 

Becky. Well, you jest come right out into the dinin' 
room an' I'll get you a cup of hot tea. 

Deacon. (^Trying to rise. ^ Oh, I'm paralyzed. 

Becky. Be ye sure? Can't ye get up? Let me help ye. 

Deacon. (^Groani/ig.) Send for the doctor. 

Becky. Oh, Josiah, Josiah, quick! 

Enter Josiah, L. 

Josiah. What's the difficulty? 

Becky. Why, the Deacon's got a paralytic stroke. 

Josiah. Ye don't say? Wall, catch hold of him an' 
we'll carry him over to the sofa. (Becky and ]osiay{ trying 
to lift Deacon.) 

Deacon. {Groajis.) Oh, I'm dying. I know I shall die. 
Enter Sheriff, C. 

Becky. Sheriff, the Deacon's got a paralytic stroke. We 
can't lift his feet. 

Sheriff. Faith, so have I. Do you know what's the 
matter wid him? Well, it's glue; plain every day glue. 

Becky. Glue? 

Josiah. Why, Deacon, yer feet are stuck fast to the 
floor. 

Deacon. Eh? 

Becky. What's that? 

Josiah. I know who's done this. It's them pesky twins. 
Just brace yourself till I cut them loose. 



44 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 

Deacon. Oh, don't hurt me— don't hurt me. 

JosiAH. There, now, see if ye can get up. 

Deacon. {Rises.) I'm all right now. 

Becky. Gracious, but I was scared for a minute {Up 
L. with Sheriff.) 

JosiAH. {With Deacon, R.) Deacon, the time's come 
when we've got to speak out. 

Deacon. What about, Josiah? 

JosiAH. You see ef we don't come to an understanding 
pretty quick, the Sheriff' 11 cut us both out. 

Deacon. I reckon I stand the best chance of any of you 
with Becky. 

JosiAH. Not a bit better'n I do. Does he, Becky? 

Becky. What's that? 

JosiAH. Why, which do you think the most of, me or 
the Deacon? 

Becky. Why, I think just as much of one as I do of the 
other. 

JosiAH. What did I tell ye? Now, how are we goin' ter 
decide which gets her? 

Deacon. I am opposed to gamblin' in any form, but 
under the present circumstances the best we can do is to 
flip up a coin. 

JosiAH. I'll go you, ef I lose. {Gets coin.) Which 
shall it be, heads or tails? 

Deacon. Tails. 

JosiAH. All right! Heads I git her, tails y^ou git her. 
Here goes. {Flips coin.) Heads she be. Hooray! I git 
her — I git her. {Grabs Becky.) 

Becky. Josiah, what's the matter? 

JosiAH. Why, Deacon an' I jest tossed a coin to see 
which of us should marry you, an' I won. Hooray! Heads 
I won. 

L.ofC. 



THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 45 

Becky. Well, that's all very kind of you boys, but the 
worst of it is, I jest promised to marry the Sheriff. 

JosiAH AND Deacon. What? 

Sheriff. Begorra, she's right, an' a flushin' bride 
she'll be. 

Becky. An' you bet I'll make you toe the mark ef you 
have any more of your drinkin' spells. 

Deacon. Well, I swan. 

JosiAH. No need of my sayin' how disappointed I be — 
but I wish you both joy. Bless you, my children. 

Enter Lynx, C. 

Lynx. You are all prisoners. The house is surrounded 
by police, so resistance will be in vain. 

JosiAH. What does all this mean? 

Lynx. It means your little game is up; and I, Lynx, the 
detective, have captured the gang. 

Becky. What gang? 

Lynx. A pack of villains headed by Josiah Brown. 

JosiAH. What's the — 

Lynx. (^Notebook.') Get woman out of way — pull off 
arms and legs — take body in closed carriage to Indian Bend. 

JosiAH. {Laughs.^ Why, he's talkin' about the statue. 

Lynx. What statue? 

Becky. Why, a statue of Minervy we bought fer the 
Parson's wife. 

Lynx. That's all very well, but how are you goin' to 
account fer the sudden disappearance of Mrs. Brown? 

JosiAH. Sudden disappearance? Why, my wife has 
been dead fer nigh on to twenty years. 

Lynx. {At Sheriff.) I mean his wife. 

Becky. Why, Sheriff, how could you? {Tears.) 

Sheriff. Don't mind him, he's crazy. Faith, I've been 
an old bachelor for forty-seven years. 



* 
46 those dreadful twins. 

Enter Mrs. B., C. 
Lynx. What, alive? 
Mrs. B. Very much so, indeed. 

JosiAH I hope you ain't got the nerve to come here 
tryin' to work that kidnappin' game again. 

Enter Josie, R. 
JosiE. Father — 

JosiAH. What, youhere? Ain't you ashamed of yourself? 
JosiE. Why, father, what do you mean? 
JosiAH. Why, leavin' them twins the way you did. 
Josie. Why, you know very well I couldn't bring them 
with me, and I shall not rest a minute till I'm back again. 
Enter Sheriff and Becky, door R. 

JosiAH. Well, you needn't worry on that score for there 
they are right behind you. 

JosiE. {Asfofiished.) What? {Turns.) Why, they are 
not my children! 

JosiAH. {Surprised.) Not your children? Well, whose 
children are they then? 

Mrs. B. If you will permit me — 

JosiAH. Madam, you have already been — enough. 

John and Fan. {To Mrs B.) Ma, we want to go home. 

All. What? 

Mrs B. Does that convince you that they are my 
children? 

JosiAH. I see it all now. You can take yojir children, 
an' I beg your pardon, an' I want to tell you them kids are 
thoroughbreds, even if they are to be our Twins. 

curtain. 



V 





THAN THE SCRAP-BOOK 

RECITATION SERIES. 



NUGGETS PI^OM THB MINES OP IMAGINATION. 



CONTENTS OF No. 5. 



PRICE 25 CENTS, POST-PAID. 



A Nameless Hero (Heroic Poem). 

Mark Twain's Mining Story. 

A Culprit (Humorous Poem). 

The Friar's Christmas. 

For the Chief's Daughter (Tragic PoemV 

Burdock's Music Box (Very Funny). 

Eulogy on O'Connell. 

Agnes, I Love Thee. 

Neighbors (Specimen of Gossip). 

Jerusalem by Moonlight. 

Purpose. 

The Chariot Race (Fine Description). 

Birth of the Rainbow (Poem) 

Tom's Little Star ^Capital Short Poem). 

Unwritten Poems. 

Emancipation of Man (Burlesque). 

Christine. 

How I Tended the Baby (Comic). 

Battle of the Cowpens (Heroic Poem). 

Nebuchadnezzar. 

Universal Education. 

Temperance Lesson — Just Twenty-one. 

Pat's Reason (Comic). 

Defence of Hofer (Patriotic). 

Thet Boy of Ourn (Dialect Poerh). 

Hannibal's Address. 

She Referred Him to Her Pa. 

Patriotism. 

Winnie's Welcome (Irish Poem). 

Speech of Patrick Henry (Patriotic, ratibn). 

My First Pantaloons. 

Peaceable Secession (Oration). 

Pharisee and Sadducee. 

A Soldier Tramp. 

Domestic Economy (Humorous). 

The Flying Dutchman. 



Une Robe Angelique. 

A Frontier Bridal — Almost a Tragedy 

( Fine Poem). 
The Origin of Scandal. 
The Unknown Speaker (Prize Oration). 
Decoration Day Poem — "Memorial Day." 
Little Charlie's Big Story. 
The Donkey's Dream Humorous). 
Startling Revelations (Very F'unny). 
"There is a Spiritual Body." 
Praying for Papa. 
Minding the Hens (HumorouS!*. 
Der Shpider und Der Fly. 
One Thing He Forgot. 
Curly-Head. 
Jimmie's Prayer. 
He Gave Him a Start. 
Shall America Betray Herself? 
Kiss Deferred, The (Fine Pathe:'^ Poem.) 
If I Were a Boy Again. 
The Rustle of a Wing. 
Light over the Range (Miner's Dial**^tV. 
Grady's Great Speech, "The New Soutk." 
The Oak and the Vine (Humorous). 
Cassandra Brown. 
Empty Nest, The. 
Aux Italiens (a Poem). 
The Blind Preacher. 
Lorraine. 

The Curtain Fixture (Humorous) 
The Telegram. 

She Would be a Mason (Humorous). 
A Mysterious Duel. 
The Last Hymn, a Story of Shipwreck. 
Waiting for the Bugle. 
The Codfish. 



T. S. DENISON. Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street, CHICAGO. 




llifCBFTTl?!]* ----- 

ALL SORTS OF GOOD THINGS 
OONTBNTS OF No. 6. PBIOB POST PAID, PAPER, 25 CENTS. 



Boy, A Brave, Temperance Recitation. 

Bachelor of Many, Ovie 

Bill Nye's Hired Girl, Very Funny. 

Beggar Boy, Only \, Pathetic. 

Break! Break! Break! 

Brakeman, About a, Comic Sarcasm. 

Christmas Carol, A 

Chinese Lilies, Beautiful Sentiment. 

Concert, A Home, Fine Domestic Tribute. 

Counting Eggs, Negro Dialect (^Good Encore.) 

Conquered, A Song for the 

Camp, Music in, G. A. R. Recitation, 

Diffidence. 

Down the Stream, Pathetic Life Lesson. 

De Massa ob de Sheepfol'. 

Decoration Day Oration. 

Dead, He Woke the, Comic Negro Speech. 

Disappointment, Sore, A Vainly Sought Kiss. 

Elder Sniffles' Courtship, Very Humorous. 

Elf-Child, The, Good Encore. 

Flood of Years. The 

Four Flies, The, Comic Boarding House Epi- 
sode. 

Fence o' Scripture Faith, The, Pathetic 
Scotch Dialect. 

God in History. 

Girls Study, How, Humorous. 

Grant, Eulogy on, Pathetic. 

Guilty, Yes, I'm, Temperance 

Human Littleness. 

Ireland, Appeal to. Patriotic, Oratorical. 

Is Fidelity Eternal ? 

Long Ago, Fine Retrospect. 

Love Song, A Concord, Extravaganza. 

Logan, A Tribute to. Patriotic. 

Mary Stuart, Scene from. Dramatic (fine). 

McDonald's Charge at Wagram, Heroic. 



Marriage, A Theosophic, Humorous. 

Maiden Martyr, Pathetic Poem. 

Mysterious Rappings. 

Model Woman, The 

Musket, The Man with a, Patriotic. 

Mary Jane, The Modern, and Mediaeval Bal 
lad of, Fine Shadow Picture Piece. 

Niagara's Sacrifice. 

Norine. 

Nothin' to Say. 

On the Other Train, Pathetic. 

Outlaws, The 

Price of a Drink,The,Temperance Recitation. 

Pin, A 

Pickett's Charge at Gettysburg, Heroic. 

Parson Kelley. 

Prayer. 

Rainy Day,' The 

Romans, Appeal to the, Oratorical. 

Santa Claus, A Sailor. 

Scrooge's Reformation. 

Sign Board, Temperance Poem. 

Sojourners. 

Soubrette's Revenge, The, Good Hit at Re- 
porters. 

Stern and Wild, His Eye Was, Comic Anti- 
Climax. 

Serenade, A Hopeless, Comic. 

Scene from Richelieu, Dramatic. 

Toboggan Slide, Miss Splicer's, Comic. 

Tribute, A Just, Comic. 

Trouble in the Choir, Humorous Poem. 

Un Potpourri D' Elocution, Medley. 

Valedictory, A Modern High School, Bur» 
lesque. 

Why It Was Cold in May. 

What is a Minority ? 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

S63 Randolph Street, CHICAGO. 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given. 



FARCES AND SKETCHES. 



In the Wrong House, 20 min. . . 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min. .. 

Is the Editor in? 20 min 

John Smith, 30 min 

Just My Luck, 20 min 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min. .. 

Kiss in the Dark, 30 min 

Larkins' Love Letters, 50 min. 

Limerick Boy, 30 min 

Love and Rain, sketch, 20 m. . 

Lucky Sixpence, 30 min 

Lucy's Old Man, sketch, 15 m. 

Mike Donovan, 15 min 

Misses Beers, 25 min 

Mistake in Identity, sketch, 15 
min 

Model of a Wife, 25 min 

Movement Cure, 15 min 

Mrs. Gamp's Tea, sketch, 15 m. 

My Jeremiah. 20 min 

My Lord in Livery, 45 min.... 

My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min.. . 

My Turn Next, 50 min 

Narrow Escape, sketch, 15 m.. 

Not at Home, 15 min 

On Guard, 25 min 

Peisecuted Dutchman, 35 min. 

Pets of Society, 30 min 

Flayed and Lost, sketch, 15 m. 

Pull Back, 20 min 

Quiet Family, 45 min 

Realm of Time, muBioal al- 
legory, 30 min 

Regular Fix, 50 min 

Rough Diamond, 40 min 

Row in Kitchen and Politician's 
Breakfast, 2 monologues... 

Silent Woman, 25 min 

Slasher and Crasher, 1 h.l5 m. 

Squeers' School, sketch, 18 m.. 

Taming a Tiger, 20 min 

That Rascal Pat, 35 min 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 50 
min 

Turn Him Out, 50 min 

Twenty Minutes Under Um- 
brella, sketch, 20 min 

Two bonnycastles,45 min. ... 

Two Gay Deceivers, 25 min.... 

Two Gents in a Fix, 20 min. .. 

Two Ghosts in White, 25 min. 

Two Puddif oots, 40 min 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min . 

Very Pleasant Evening, 30 m. . 

Wanted a Correspondent, 1 hr. 

Which Will He Marry? 30 m. . 

White Caps (The), musical, 30 
min 

Who Told The Lie? 30 min... 

Wide Enough for Two, 50 min. 

Women of Lowenburg, histori- 
caj sketch, 5 scenes, 50 m. . 

Womaa Hater (The), 30 min.. 



M. p. 

4 2 

3 

4 

5 

4 

5 



3 
2 
3 
3 
1 
3 
2 
2 
1 
2 

3 
3 
3 

2 
2 

2 
2 

3 
3 
3 
2 

2 
6 3 
7 

3 2 
6 

4 4 

8 15 
6 4 
4 3 



3 6 

3 3 

1 1 
3 3 
3 

2 
8 

3 3 



8 
5 3 

5 2 

10 10 
2 1 



X. T. 

Wonderful Letter, 25 min 4 1 

Wooing Under Difficulties, 35 

min 4 3 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 

ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 

Academy of Stars, 15 min 5 1 

All Expenses: Or, Nobody's 

Son, 10 min 2 

Baby Coach Parade, 20 min.. 4 2 
Back from Californy ; Or, Old 

Clothes, 12 min 3 

Deaf, In a Horn, 12 min 2 

Hamlet the Dainty, 15 min .... 6 1 

Handy Andy, 12 min 2 

Haunted House, 8 min 2 

Joke on Squinim (The). 25 m.. 4 2 

Jumbo Ji>m, 30 min 4 3 

Mischievous Nigger (The), 20 

min 4 2 

No Cure, No Pay, 10 min 3 1 

Othello and Desdemona, 12 m. 2 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 

min 6 

Quarrelsome Servants, 8 min.. 3 

Rooms to Let, 15 min 2 1 

Sham Doctor (The), 15 min... 4 2 

Sports on a Lark, 8 min 3 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min... 2 1 

Stocks Up, Stocks Down, 8m.. 2 

Tricks, lOmin 5 2 

Two Pompeys (The) , 8 min. ... 4 

Uncle Jefr, 25 min 6 2 

Unhappy Pair (An), 10 min. .. 3 

Villikens and Hlg Dinah, 20 m. 4 1 

Wax Works at Play, 30 min. . . 3 1 

William Tell, 15 min 4 



NEW PLAYS. 

Charles O'Mallev's Aunt (25c.) 

Cobbler (The) 

Convention of Papas 

Dude i n a Cyclone 

P'irst-Class Hotel 

Iron Hand (25c.) 

It's All in the Pay Streak (25c.) 

Indiana Man (25c.) 

Madame P's Beauty Parlors... 

New Woman 

Not a Man in the House 

Only Cold Tea 

Patsy O'Wang 

Rejected 

Topp's Twins (25c.) 

Treasure from Egypt 

Wanted: A Hero 



M. F. 

5 3 



6 
3 6 



The publislier believes that he can 
say truthfully that Denison's list of 
plays is on the whole the best se- 
lected and most successful in the 
market. New Plays will be added 
from time to time. 



T. S, DENISON, Publisher, I63 Randolph St., Chicago. 



jgaas 



asi^ 



rrPM- f-iti-'-"----^'^--^-'" 



CHOICE PLAYS AND AMUSEM 




Plays by T. S. DENISON. 

That the plays written by T. S. Deni- 
son are, all things considered, the best 
for amateurs, is attested by their very 
large and increasing sale. 

New plays in this type. 

COMEDIES. 

ACTS. TIME. M. F. 

Odds With the Enemy, 5, 2 hrs. 7—4 
Se<h Greenback, - 4. i h. 15 m. 7—3 
The School Ma'am, - 4, ih. 45 m. 6— 5 
Only Daughter, - 3. i h. 15 m. 5—2 
Louva, the Pauper, - 5, 2 hrs. 9 — 4 
Under the Laurels, - 5, 2 hrs. 5—4 
Danger Signal, - 2, ih. 45 m. 7— 4 
Our Country, Histori- 
cal Play, - - - 3. I h. 10—5 

Topp's Twins, - 4.2 hrs. 6—4 
It's all In Pay Streak, 3. i h. 40m. 4—3 
The New Woman, - 3. ih. 3—6 



FARCES. 

ACTS. TIME. M. F. 

xiiltiating a Granger, - 25 m. 8— 
Wanted, a Correspondent, 2, 45 m. 4—4 
A Family St-rike, - - 20 m. 3— 3 
Two Ghosts in White, - 20 m. —8 

The Assessor, - - - 10 m. 3—2 
Borrowing Trouble, - 20m. 3—5 

Country Justice, - - 20 m. 8 — 
The PuU-Back, - - 20 m. —6 

Hans von Smash, - - 2, 30 m. 4 3 
Irish Linen Peddler, - 2,401x1.3—3 
Kansas Immigrants, - 20 m. 5—1 

Too Much of Good Thing, 45 m. 3—6 
Is the Editor In? - - 20 m, 4— 2 
Pets of Society, - - 20 m. —7 

Wide Enough for Two, - 45 m. 5—2 

Patsy O'Wang, - - 35 m- 4—3 

Rejected, - - - - 40 m. 5— 3 
A FIrst-Class Hotel, - 20 m. 4— 

Mad. Princeton's Temple 

of Beauty, 
Dude in Cyclone, 
The Cobbler, - 



20 m. — 6 
20 m, 5—3 
10 m. 1 — 



TEMPERANCE. 



The Sparkling Cup, 
Hard Cider, 

Only Cold Tea, - 



- 5, 2 hrs. 12 — 4 
10 m. 4 — 2 

20 m. 3—3 



J8®=-Topp'8 Twins and It's all in 
tlie Pay Streak, 85c. each. All 
others, 15c. each. Postpaid. 
Large Catalogue Free. 



piAl^OGUES. 

Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Twenty-five original pieces, - 25c. 

When the Lessons are Over. 

New Dialogues, New Drills, New 
Plays, 25c. 

Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen Selections, - - - 25c. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Just out. Dialogues for youths, chil- 
dren, and little tots, also pieces for 
special occasions, - - - 25c. 

SPEAKERS. 

Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages, - - 25c. 
Choice Pieces for Little People, 25c. 

Patriotic Speaker. 

Carefully selected from best authors, 

25c. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc., 25c. 

Sunday School Pieces, - 25c. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

A choice collection of pieces, pathetic, 
humorous, descriptive, prose and 
poetry. Eleven Nos., per No. 25c. 

TABLEAUX AND SHADOWS. 

Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare them, 

25c. 
School and Parlor Tableaux. 

For school, church and parlor, 25c. 
Wax Figgers of firs. Jarley. 

With full directions for preparing, 25c. 

OPERETTAS. 

Bonnybell, 25 c. 

Elma, the Fairy Child, - • 25c. 

Eulalia, 25c. 

Enchanted Wood, ... 35c, 

Pocahontas, .... - 15c. 

SPECIALTIES. 

Private Theatricals. 

How to select pUys, form, cast, re- 
hearsals, rain, lighining, etc., 25c. 

Negro ninstrels. 
Just the book needed. Tells the 
whole thing, ... - 25c. 

Work and Play. 
A gem of a book for children in school 
or church entertainments, - 25c. 

Pranks and Pastinres. 
All sorts of games, puzzles, shadow 
scenes, etc.. for evening parties, 25c. 

Social Card Oames. 

An excellent manual of all common 
games, also tricks anA diversions, 35c. 

Debater's Handbook (cloth), - 50c. 

Good Manners, - - - - 25c. 

Everybody's Letter-Writer, - 25c. 




